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HOW TO BE HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL WITH LOVE

One’s ability to love is manifested in the way he treats people around him, how he communicates with others in general. For example, if you are about to start a family with someone who is very nice to you, but is rude and aggressive towards others,  keep in mind that «your time will come too.»
 
Divine, unconditional love primarily means that we love a person’s soul, and attraction to a his/her body is definitely not the primary or even secondary. If we are attracted to a person’s body, his external achievements, sexuality; it is not love, but lust, passion and attachment. We become dependent on this person, become entangled with him, which leads to a disruption of energy flow; we develop a great fear of loss in regards to the person, we want him/her to promise us «eternal» love.
 
Thus love, as the actual source of ever-increasing bliss, turns into attachment, creating aggression which in turn leads to accusations, grievances and consumerism attitudes. Consumerism towards a person and the world quickly turns your life into hell. 
 
The desire to obsessively hold on to your loved one, not being able to let go, constantly being around that person, having more and more sex (in case of romantic, sexual attachment and dependence), being in a relationship only for the sake of deriving pleasure, accepting/taking more than one gives are all forms of passion and attachment. These are temporary. From a philosophical point of view, we attempt to merge with another person, with his/her temporary shell. The only true, permanent desire of a Soul should be merging with God.
 
Yet, real love is first of all an act of giving, caring, serving, making the object of our affection happy, offering him/her freedom, keeping a certain distance in the relationship, understanding that being together is a temporary joy, that will continue for several years or, at most, several lifetimes. Real love is an inner fulfillment with love, when you are not dependent on the behavior of people around you and are not trying to get love from them. Love is a state of being, not an act of doing.  It only manifests itself through action. Love can only be experienced when we serve and sacrifice without self-interest. Show your love in different ways for everyone in your field of influence (parents, children, spouse, colleagues, passers-by, thieves). For a thief, for example, you show love by helping him stop his sinful actions, maybe even using violence, but inside you keep love and see a part of God in him). In Sanskrit this is called rasa.
 
 
One of the greatest geniuses of modern psychology, Abraham Maslow, said that there are two kinds of love, which he termed as below.
  • Deficiency love (D-Love). This is selfish love, when one just wants to get something. The more the needs of the individual are satisfied, the stronger this type of love becomes. This love is based on the need for self-assurance, sex, loneliness, and so on.
  • Being love (B-Love). Loving the essence of another being. This love is not of a proprietary nature, it has a real attitude of non-interference; it lets everything be as it is, not trying to improve or change; the desire to serve. This type of love can contribute to heightened experiences.
 
Love includes pain and pleasure simultaneously. The pain is sacrifice, care, support, separation, and so on. But the separation and understanding that relationships are temporary is what enables to become detached from the objects of our «love» in this world. By the way, if we sacrifice, sincerely care for others without attachment, then we feel a great inner satisfaction.Similarly, if we properly overcome attachment and dependency, we experience great happiness and bliss, many times greater than the pleasure that we get from sense gratification. Then we are able to uncover our creative abilities. On a spiritual level, even pain brings pleasure. Divine, unconditional love is above duality, and this love is the source of the greatest bliss - ananda.
 
People in passion and lust desire only pleasure on one side or avoid negative emotions on the other. The stronger the feelings of lust, or passion, the greater is the aggression experienced when a person does not receive what he wanted, or when something does not go as planned. Thus relationships with other people cause great pain. This level of relationships is described as: «Between love and hate there is only one step.»Â People who believe this principle cannot tolerate pain, avoid negative emotions at all costs.  Family and children require care and selfless service, so the selfish person hates children, family and anything that requires giving and serving. They are also drawn only to things that will please the senses: parties, computer games, movies with scenes of violence and sex, pornography, romance, alcohol, drugs. They also need to increase the dosage constantly. The character of such people degrade: they become more and more jealous, selfish, greedy, irritable, resentful, depressed, able to easily betray. They become like a cancerous cell.
 
The following pattern takes effect:
Attachment -> Claims and condemnation -> Aggression, hatred, anger ->  Destruction, often not only of themselves but also of others.
 
«Positive» emotions bring about the dark side. This state is like a pendulum. The more a person was relishing the experience, the more he is a slave to his senses, the stronger the experienced emotions, the stronger the pendulum will swing in the opposite direction.  Thus, the stronger the negative emotions, inner desolation and depression will be experienced as the balancing act, And if the person tries to «overcome» these using hard drugs, more alcohol and so on — it will be a point of no return.
 
A good example can be Hollywood stars: it’s hard to image a more tumultuous life, but for the vast majority of them it ends too early: drugs, antidepressants, etc., and the number of happy couples who are able to build a family and raise children is negligible. They get divorced as soon as their sexual desires have decreased, or they have the smallest relationship difficulty. It is sad that these kind of people idolized by millions of people worldwide. I have counselled music and movie stars in Los Angeles, in Russia and in other countries, and I know this firsthand. Though I must admit that there is increasing number of truly spiritual people in the arts industry in Russia. Usually these type of people prefer being in the company of some psychotherapists, instructors, spiritual pseudo-teachers who say, «Don’t hold back your desires, enjoy life, love yourself». Loving self in this context means being a slave to ones senses.
 
The way out of this emotional pendulum is by restricting ourselves, following the scriptures’ commandments, serving others, being in the company of generous people. 
 
It is very important to replace one’s complaints and condemnation of others with an attitude of gratitude, complete acceptance of all possible situations and people. It is impossible to achieve unconditional love otherwise. One of the forms of aggression towards God, the whole, the Absolute,is when the person does not accept someone or something inwardly. This is a fast path to death and self-destruction. The larger the capacity of a person to tolerate pain, the more his ability to act selflessly, and the deeper love he is capable of experiencing. Then, as a consequence, more love is granted to this person in life, and more doors of opportunities open up to him.
 
Here are few shlokas from the Bhagavad Gita:
 
Chapter 2
62. While contemplating the objects of the senses, a person develops attachment for them, and from such attachment lust develops, and from lust anger arises.
63. From anger, complete delusion arises, and from delusion bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, intelligence is lost, and when intelligence is lost one falls down again into the aerial pool.
64. But a person free from all attachment and aversion and able to control his senses through regulative principles of freedom can obtain the complete mercy of the Lord.
65. For one thus satisfied, the threefold miseries of material existence exist no longer; in such satisfied consciousness, one’s intelligence is soon well established.
 
Chapter 16
1-3. Fearlessness; purification of one’s existence; cultivation of spiritual knowledge; charity; self-control; performance of sacrifice; study of the Vedas; austerity; simplicity; nonviolence; truthfulness; freedom from anger; renunciation; tranquility; aversion to faultfinding; compassion for all living entities; freedom from covetousness; gentleness; modesty; steady determination; vigor; forgiveness; fortitude; cleanliness; and freedom from honor — these transcendental qualities, O son of Bharata, belong to godly men endowed with divine nature.
4. Pride, arrogance, conceit, anger, harshness and ignorance — these qualities belong to those of demoniac nature, O son of Partha.
 
HOW CAN THIS KNOWLEDGE BE PRACTICALLY APPLIED?
Bhagavad Gita  Chapter 16
21. There are three gates leading to hell — lust, anger and greed. Every sane man should give these up, for they lead to the degradation of the soul.
 
This knowledge is the cornerstone in the process of raising children. If you aim to provide your child only with positive emotions, protecting him from difficulties; do not teach him to be of service to others, give or take care of others; if you accept child’s disrespectful attitude to parents and elders, you are raising a selfish person who will spoil your life as well as his own.
 
This is also applicable to our own behavior towards our relatives and colleagues. If you are trying to be «good» at any cost, not being able to ask or refuse, fear of provoking negative emotions, etc. — this will destroy your relationship with them, and success in life. Though this is a separate subject. It is especially dangerous to increase lust, anger and greed in a child. Though the modern culture is doing everything to cultivate these qualities.
 
How do children, our little angels, turn into monsters or just losers?
 
1. LUST
Lust is provoked through watching TV, the Internet, watching erotica and nudity. In all advanced cultures it was known that adolescents in particular were best to be protected from this, as their hormonal level is already elevated. Everyone was dressed modestly, especially women. Feeding lust can turn a very successful student into a dumb, aggressive person. 
 
Degradation of the educational system began with the sexual revolution. These days, children at school are very interested in sex from grade 7-9. Even more, sex education is now introduced very early in school. In the West it is taught that getting sexually active at a young age is completely OK, homosexuality is normal and good for health, and then everyone is surprised why children are so stupid, arrogant, and egoistical. Sex, especially at early age, increases egoism and desire for sense gratification.
 
The only effective method here is to restrict adolescent access to sexual/adult content media, including TV, the Internet, and computer games. Parents should not be afraid of saying «NO» as every loving and caring mother will prohibit the use of drugs to her child. The ideal situation is to not have a TV at home; if you really liked some movie, you can always download it, or watch it on DVD. I recently heard that statistically, pornography takes up a very large percentage of the Internet traffic, usage and searches. 
 
Teaching your child to give, share, care for others actually is giving him or her the highest gratification one can achieve in material life. A child must always have some chores around the house. It is best when there are many children in the family; it is difficult to raise an egoist. My mother was very worried that I will grow up into an egoist. She made me help her around the house, help others, restricted access to any sexual materials, and prohibited using any alcohol. When friends visited us or when we were out, I was supposed to put out the treats, or take them over to neighbors, and I was allowed to eat only after that is done. I am convinced that I owe my parents and strict teachers all of my positive character traits.
 
It is best to explain to the child that early sex is destructive for the spiritual and physical body, as well as for morals and values. There is ample proof of this destructive influence on children and adults.
 
The earlier a child becomes sexually active, the less successful he will be after the age of 30, and the more unhappy he will be later in life. There is not a single proof of any advantages of earlier sexual activity, and the amount of damage is unlimited.
 
Pornography is absolutely dangerous. You may notice that your daughter or son is rapidly changing for the worst, becoming dumber, irritable, rude and cynical — this happens after they watch pornography once or twice.  The next step is the beginning of degradation which was described previously. By the way, this also affects adults as well. The family life does not last long, and such people will either never have children, or they are not likely to grow up healthy and happy.
 
Note that in countries like India, China and other places in the East, where the institute of family is still intact many healthy children are born. In such countries, pornography is frowned upon. In fact, in China it is prohibited. In those countries you will not find a psychotherapist who will advise to delve into «positive» emotions swing (sex, partying, cheating, or watching low quality movies).
 
Today almost every newspaper and magazine has an article about the positive effects of sex and that one must be involved in sexual activity as often as possible. You’ll also find advertising for tobacco or some medical drugs to prevent depression, and information about the positive effects of alcohol in small doses.
 
According to Eastern medicine and psychology, all religions, and most spiritual schools teach that the degradation of the personality and society begins when family values are lost and «freedom» of sexual energy is promoted. In the beginning this brings «positive» emotions and pleasure, but with time, especially in case of adolescents, it closes off their future (firstly, at the energy level).
 
Many modern doctors and psychologists assume that we are the body, in fact that we are just an extension to sexual organs. Hence, they freely instruct adults and children alike onto the path of lust and passion. This ultimately takes away the possibility of people being healthy, happy and truly successful. A civilization without incorruptible spiritual leaders goes deeper into the abyss of various crises.
 
Another important fact to add: the coeducation of boys and girls was first introduced by Lenin. Before this for thousands of years boys and girls were taught separately and this had positive effects on their upbringing. The experience of teachers proves that attention focus in mixed groups is much lower than in classes of separate education of boys and girls.
 
Girls develop faster than boys, and that’s why their progress is better, which causes aggression from boys, with natural masculine tendency for leadership. Those who teach in gender-separated groups know that kids excel better in those environments compared to mixed groups of similar age-groups.
 
When a woman gets C-section or epidermal with the purpose of avoiding pain it breaks the natural laws and brings about many negative effects, including an increased subconscious desire for consumerism attitudes for the mother and child alike. So unless there is a strict medical reason, a woman should give birth naturally, and after birth the baby needs to be in mothers’ arms as much as possible.  Jean Liedloff in her book «The Continuum Concept»Â provides easy to understand tools on how to bring up a happy and healthy child.
 
2. ANGER
 
Desire to own and enjoy leads a child to lose all good moral qualities and he cannot wait or accept goes against his wishes. This brings about temper tantrums and aggression. Modern movies show that aggression, disrespect towards parents and elders is a norm and «cool». 
 
It is very important to teach a child from early age to be patient, that pain in some degree is a natural state and is part of this world, and that without efforts and some restrictions, and austerities it is impossible to achieve anything great. Parents and teachers should teach children about acceptance of all people, whatever and however they are.
 
One should teach children that everything that happens against will and/or is sudden is an act of God, fate, that everything happens according to divine will. Accepting everything inwardly and outwardly, with calm and gratitude is the right way to react. If something happens that bothers us, we need to act in a way to try to correct the situation but internally, we accept everything as divine will. 
 
Explain to a child that anger is a very destructive emotion, and teach to use humor in difficult situations. Teach a child to be polite and grateful, prohibit he use of vulgar or slang language. Be an example of polite and cultured speech. Stop those who use foul language, speak in a way that is impolite, rude or disrespectful in your presence.
 
From the time of pregnancy until a child is 3 years’ old, it is best to play classical or some spiritual music. It positively impacts the child’s character. It has also been noted that children who were not exposed to this kind of music until the age of 3-4 are not able to acquire a taste for good music, and gravitate towards low quality/content music.  Music affects the subconscious deeply . You can read more about this in the book by Masaru Ibuka’s titled “Kindergarten is Too Late!”
 
The last recommendation: meat (of any kind, but red meat in particular) increases aggression and lust. Please limit meat in your child’s diet as much as possible. If you could only imagine the benefit of the vegetarian diet for the child, you may become a vegetarian for life. Some people may say this is too much. Today we merely need to convince the society that alcohol and cigarettes are very damaging for pregnant women and babies.
 
3. GREED
 
Greed is developed in children based on the points described above and is more of the consequence of the first two (Lust and Anger). To maintain «positive» emotions, a person needs more and more money and resources. With the ongoing degradation he becomes ready for everything for the sake of money. This greedy person is ready for everything but nothing of that is related to work and service to family and loved ones, or serve society in general according to his destiny.
 
Most adolescents’ ambitions revolve around becoming very rich without doing anything. Their role models are artists, models, prostitutes, politicians, traders, and even thieves. Participation in lottery games, casino, gambling increases consumerism. Never allow this for yourself or your children. Participate with children in charity, help others and serve others — together. Teach them by your own example the qualities of patience and humility. Don’t spoil your kids after the age of 5. Don’t buy them the latest cellphones, laptops or other expensive toys. Buy something simple and useful which can be used for a long time. But what is really required, and is even better is to inspire and teach them to make their own living from adolescence. Teach them the importance of money. You may buy even something that is not necessary, but is important for a child, and teach him/her to share this and use it for service of others, but not as an object of pride. The child may become proud and arrogant towards other children who have less.
 
Restrict movies which show that easy money is acceptable, and honorable work, morals, family values are depicted as old out-dated values and for losers. 
 
It is important how a person, and a child in particular eats, as many subconscious programs are absorbed during the process of eating. Eating in a quiet atmosphere and carefully chewing the food helps digestion and nutrient absorption. It is best if a child is taught to pray before the meal, and before eating he should feed the poor and to give the best piece to parents, and siblings. This creates a habit of giving and respecting others, most importantly ones’ parents. If the child does not respect parents, he will not progress in society and life. All religions of the world say, «Honor your father and mother». It was always a habit to have a meal as whole family, together. No one ate before the father, the head of the family, started eating. After him the mother would start eating. And none would ever start negotiating with children about anything. It is most beneficial when youth can see how parents share food with each other, with the children and aim to be of service to each other.
 
Wishing you health and happiness to you and your children!
 
Rami Bleckt, PhD